Why I Enrolled My Son in Karate

Right before Silas turned 6, he was having a lot of trouble in school according to his teacher. He wasn't being respectful of school rules, of his peers' personal space, or of his teachers. Some of the things they wrote in his folder seemed small (tapping another student with a pencil), while others were bigger (making a mess in the restroom and not cleaning it up).

In his defense, the school does have a policy whereby the student who makes a mess cannot clean up the mess themselves, no matter if it's urine, toilet paper, or food that they throw. My take on this is that if the student doesn't have to clean up after themselves, then why should they stop leaving a mess? But apparently some parents complained about child labor laws.

No, I'm not joking.

Anyway.

Silas is also big for his age (he's the size of an average 9 or 10 year old boy) but still, you know, acts like he's six. Because he is. And he's terribly uncoordinated. It took him a long time to learn to ride a bike because the coordination of the motions just wasn't his bag (baby).

He also didn't have anything that he could truly call his own. A lot of our time at home is spent together or kind of trying to make sure his younger brother who has Autism isn't tearing up the place or hitting people. So I wanted Silas to have "a thing" that was just his.

We joined the Peace Keeper family.

When we arrived in San Antonio in 2008 (just me and my husband, Mike, no kids yet), a student invited me to his belt ceremony at his martial arts school. We went to support him and I was immediately amazed by the organization - you could tell that everyone there supported each other and it had an amazing "vibe." Family. Respect. Self-discipline.

As I thought about what could be Silas' "thing," I remembered this school and also remembered how he had told me numerous times that he thought karate was "cool." I am sure he had NO IDEA what he was getting into, but I put two and two together and came up with, "Let's try out karate."

His first meeting with his Sensei was...fantastically funny as his mother. He was truly afraid. We walked in and Sensei greeted us and Silas told me, "Um Mom? I'm scared. I want to go home." Sensei sat him down and talked about how it was OK to be scared of new things but that he would have fun and nobody would hurt him. After a few lessons, he earned his white belt, which he was super excited about. But honestly, the things he had to learn to do that weren't too difficult for him (although I was surprised at how quickly he learned the things he needed to memorize).

Sensei and Silas

"Here, educate yourself!"

Here's what kind of amazed me though. He told his teacher that he had karate tonight one day and she made this face at me. "Do you really think it's a good idea to teach him how to hit people with his record?" she asked. I almost wanted to give her Sensei's card and quote Bleakly from Lilo + Stitch, "Here, educate yourself!"

Karate isn't about being the crap out of other kids. It's not the bad team/sensei from The Karate Kid. And if your school is like that, well, I'm sorry. His school teaches respect, following instructions, self-discipline, and many other skills that he may not be able to learn while being active elsewhere.

I remember when Sensei told Silas about discipline, he said, "There's discipline, like when your mom has to take away your toy for being bad. Then there's self-discipline where you do things that are asked of you without complaining. Then there's blackbelt self-discipline - you know your room needs to be cleaned, so you do it without anyone asking you." I was silently cheering, "I LOVE YOU! YES! YES!" as he told my son about the practice of self-discipline. Because I can tell him until I'm blue in the face, but sometimes it takes someone else to remind our kids of it.

But now it's getting hard.

Now we're moving on to his first stripe test. Things are getting a little more...complex. He hasn't quite gotten down the kicks required for Kick Drill 1 (even though I have just from watching) so we practice. Sometimes he doesn't want to. Sometimes he seems to begrudgingly accept that I want to help him get better. But he has started saying, "Mom do I have to go to karate tonight? I'm tired." I'm not sure if getting his first stripe will help reinvigorate him or if he doesn't enjoy it - it's hard for him to verbalize and hard for me to understand. Is it hard and thus I don't want to do it anymore? If I continue to take him will it eventually become better (not easier) and more enjoyable? I can't tell.

As a parent, this is one of the things we kind of fight ourselves on - do I let my kid stop what they seem to not be enjoying or do we make them "pick it and stick it?" For now, we're sticking it. He's gaining coordination and confidence, and my hope is that as that builds, it will be something he WANTS to do every day as opposed to me asking, "Hey, do you want to practice your kicks with me?"

A Week in the Life - Autism Parenting

Monday:
     Morning: Ugh, seriously, you sucked at sleep last night. Getting you up and dressed is going to be like poking a bear with a sharp stick. Yes we need to get out of (my) bed. (*NO!*). Yes we need to use the potty. (*NO!). Yes we need to get dressed. Go find your shoes. Put your shoes on. (*NO!) Grab your backpack and let's go to school. (*Don't wanna go school!*) Don't you want to see you friends? (*NO friends!*) - Gets to school and races ahead screaming, "FRIENDS?!" Parent is...confused but glad that he's going to be at school for a few hours. Go to work.
     Afternoon: Brace yourself for a sleep-deprived almost 4-year-old. Pick up child at daycare. He falls asleep in the car. You arrive home and try to take him out of the car without waking him. Don't poke the bear. He wakes up and insists you carry him to the house but hits you and screams NO the entire walk to the house.
     Evening: Screaming. Crying. Won't eat dinner (even after you offer waffles and strawberries, his current favorites). Falls asleep on the couch. Help oldest with homework. Huffing and puffing, this is boring, can we do this tomorrow? Carry youngest's 40-pound body to the bed to put on a pull-up instead of his undies. He wakes up and becomes a screaming mess. You lay on the floor and he falls on top of you and you rock him until his heart beat slows from 900 billion miles an hour. You finally get him to bed and he announces, "I need to go potty." Three minutes later he is snoring. You drink wine and feel emotionally and physically exhausted.

Dinner of champions

Tuesday:
Everyone slept well because they were so damn tired from not sleeping well Sunday night although you get woken up at 1:30 a.m. by the child coming to sleep in your bed. He tosses and turns and wiggles for 15 minutes before settling. You finally fell back to sleep at around 2:30 a.m. and wake up at 5 a.m. to shower and drink coffee before you deal with The People. 6:45 you bring them THEIR morning coffee (milk cups) and repeat Monday's morning process. "No want to get up!" Me neither dude, but look at me all showered and dressed and shit while you were still sleeping.
Go to work. Come home and nap because 7 hours of sleep in 2 days is wearing on you. Pick up boys from daycare. Drop youngest at home with husband and take older child to karate. Make sure you have snacks, drinks, karate uniform, and coffee. Child with Autism screams as you leave the house (because you apparently won't come back...which you have thought about..). "No mumma no go nooooooo momma nooooooooo"
Finish karate at 6:45. Debate picking up fast food or asking husband who is poor at multitasking (observing a child AND cooking dinner? that can be done?) to cook something while we return from karate (which takes forever due to construction). Discuss why there's traffic with 6-year-old (AGAIN).
Pick up dinner because husband can't find anything to make at the house. Dole out chicken and french fries to happy children. Breathe because...hey, nobody is screaming! Do homework with oldest. He complains and huffs and puffs. 7 p.m. Witching Hour. Baths. Screaming NO. Bed time early because older child is tired from karate and younger child is still off on sleep. Everyone is asleep by 8:30 p.m. Pass out and drool on your pillow (until 1:30 a.m. when child arrives in your bed again).

Wednesday:
5.5 hours of uninterrupted (i.e., you were kicked and shoved all night but the child didn't wake up and try to chat with you or watch TV at 3 a.m.) sleep! Glory be! Check your schedule. Work but NOBODY HAS ANYTHING THIS EVENING. Repeat Monday morning routine. Older child is getting better at trying to help youngest stay on track (but you wonder constantly if you're doing a disservice to neurotypical child because you have to focus on child with Autism so much - vow to spend more time with neurotypical child).
Home from work. Take a nap. Pick up boys from daycare. Cook actual healthy dinner. Only adults eat it. Older child cries until he is told he cannot have anything else because "this is dinner." Youngest throws his food at the dogs. Children basically do not eat. Eh, they have fat reserves.
Baths, screaming about brushing teeth, lots of "I need to potty" out of bed behaviors, and finally, sleep. Write blog post and daydream about sleeping.

Thursday:
Repeat Tuesday complete with karate and the possibility of fast food. Tell husband to make leftover spaghetti instead. Children eat as if they haven't eaten in days (wait...well...). Both fall asleep on the couch at 7:30 p.m. Parents debate leaving them there for a while because...it's quiet and they can actually talk to each other for 5 minutes. Wake up children for baths and bed. Make sure oldest has finished his weekly homework (due tomorrow) and force him to finish it if it isn't complete. Decide baths are not necessary and hustle them both to bed. Did they brush their teeth? Can't remember. Tired.

Friday:
Repeat Monday's morning routine except you get to sleep 1 hour later because you don't have to be at work until later on Friday (so you can come home and shower after dropping boys off). Actually apply makeup without "assistance," anyone taking your shit, or anyone asking what you're doing. Dress and go to work leisurely. Daydream of a time when you had no children. Then the school calls and tells you that older son fell on the playground and hit his head (or insert another reason for call here). You pick up son and bring him home to rest. Work productivity = 10% when expected was 90%. Finish required work and read 5 pages of leisure reading book while child watches Transformers. Feel guilty because there are dishes to wash and there is laundry to fold. Take nap with older child (which is actually really nice because he's a solid sleeper). Drink coffee and steel yourself for picking youngest up. Grocery shop quickly - make sure to get pizza, coffee, and coffee creamer, because, you know, priorities.
Pizza night for dinner - family and friends come over for pizza and relax with beer and wine. Leave the room often, leaving children with unsuspecting family and friends while you breathe and try not to scream about children who are fighting over a toy and still haven't learned to share. Youngest's "MINE!" is a shrill scream. It's lovely. Husband forgets the fact that children still need to go to bed because he's spending time with friends, and doesn't bathe children (which is his job). Children end up falling asleep on the couch after being bathed at 9 p.m. It would be so nice if going to sleep later meant sleeping later, but, you know, HA. Friends leave, thanking you for the free birth control (i.e., hanging out with your kids). You got it! THIS COULD BE YOU.

Saturday:
Wake up at 7 a.m. with youngest who is all about watching "Toy Story videos" on your laptop. As long as you let him, he will be entertained and you can drink coffee, have breakfast, and even relax a little. But you know that when you want to do some work later there will be a disagreement over ownership of said laptop. You contemplate taking children out to do XYZ in the neighborhood but worry that youngest will melt down in public which makes you anxious because it happens often. Decide to stay home because he has already melted down twice this morning over what seems to be nothing. Children begin chasing each other around the house, screaming. Look in the mirror and see a Mombie (i.e., Zombie mom). Oldest is crying because youngest threw something heavy at him. Put youngest in time out and soothe oldest. Start at "Children begin chasing each other" again...go for at least 5 or 6 times before lunch. Try to read books or some enriching activity. Sometimes they participate.
Make lunch. Maybe if you're lucky, a friend comes over to babysit in the morning and you can either a) nap or b) get some work done on your tablet (which is a pain in the ass, but taking the laptop back is poking the bear). Nap while children nap. Make 3 different dinners because nobody seems to want to eat what you had planned for dinner (and it's not pizza or chicken and french fries). Nobody is tired at bath time because they took naps (which they don't usually do during the week). Push bedtime back a little bit because nobody wants to fight with them (and they will literally just keep getting up if you make them go to bed). Feel like a crappy parent. Realize tomorrow is going to suck because they WILL be up at 7 a.m. again. Drink wine. Watch one episode of a TV show you wish you could catch up on and hope that Hulu doesn't take the episodes you need down before you get caught up.

Sunday:
7 a.m. they are up and chasing each other. Husband sleeps until 10:30 a.m. at which point you send child with Autism in to wake him because...otherwise he might not live to see Daddy when Daddy does wake up. Youngest has been repeating, "Eat donuts? Eat donuts mama? Mama, eat donuts? Donuts mama?" for the past 3 hours. Usually Daddy gets up and gets donuts on Sunday.
Consider day drinking.
Children watch TV or "Toy Story videos" on the computer. Lunch is a burned pizza (for some reason the Sunday lunch pizza ALWAYS gets burned). Naps. Feel guilty about not taking boys out of the house yesterday and so you bring them to the park after naps. There's nobody else at the park (you don't live in an area with a lot of kids). Oldest complains there's nobody to play with. Then another kid shows up. Youngest has had his fill and wants to leave but now oldest wants to stay and play with this kid he doesn't know. Sit in the car with youngest for a bit so oldest can have a chance to play with another kid (like, you know, a normal kid whose brother isn't having a meltdown in his car seat). Google all-inclusive vacations for you and husband while youngest screams and oldest plays. Give oldest five-minute warning. Take children home and make sandwiches for dinner because everyone agrees to eat them (but then youngest doesn't, oldest eats his sandwich even though you told him not to, and youngest returns to find he has no sandwich). Cue Sunday Night Cry from youngest. Cries until 11 p.m. (even though they went to bed at 8:45). Go in the backyard and mutter, "WHY WON'T YOU JUST GO TO SLEEP? YOU NEED SLEEP! WE ALL DO! JUST GO TO DAMN SLEEP!" until you feel slightly better about dealing with a wound up, upset, almost 4 year old. Finally say screw it, and take him to bed with you because you want to go to bed and he's still up and crying.

Googling beachfront vacations...with no children.

Enjoy your Monday!

**Stock images from Unsplash - check them out for gorgeous photos!**

#PlannerAddict - Little Dog Paper Co.

I am a self-proclaimed planner addict - I love my Erin Condren Life Planner (ECLP) and use it every day to plan out my week, my day, and even keep track of what I did on what day (you can tell I'm getting old when the first thing I do before bed is to check my planner for the next day to see what the F I have going on tomorrow).

I'm also a huge fan of color and whimsy - I love shabby chic, but I also love to make my planner look completely like my Hello Kitty influenced childhood. Unicorns. Flamingos (of course). Glitter (everywhere). Mermaids. Neo Blythe dolls.

I'm also an Etsy addict. Most people surf Facebook while they take a break from life. I surf Etsy. My wish list is at, like, 900+ items.

I found a May Mystery Collection from Little Dog Paper Co and love the idea of a kit for a month PLUS I love surprises. And mail surprises? THE BEST.

I loved her packaging. Super cute.

Fun planner mail from Little Dog Paper Co!

And here's what I did with the stickers included in the kit for the month.

My layout for this week

If you're a planner afficnationado like me, check her out on Etsy here.

Apparently I Killed It at Dinner

If you're like me, there are days where you're like, "I'm gonna kick dinner ASS" annnnnnd then there are the days where you're like, "So... peanut butter sandwiches all around?"

During the last few weeks of classes, I hardly ever feel like actual cooking. So we do a lot of sandwiches (and Silas wants Pizza Bites).

This past weekend I had the mental energy to cook and had gone grocery shopping (with a list, score!). I had actually menu planned.

It's crazy what happens when I'm not super stressed.

Get read to kill it at dinner with me.

Saturday we had Slow Cooker Beef Pot Roast and Perfect Parmesan Biscuits from Tastefully Simple.

Super easy Tastefully Simple biscuits

These were super popular once they cooled off...

My husband, Mike, who is pretty critical of my cooking skills (because he enjoys cooking while I'm like, "I'll bake... but...", actually came and told me that dinner was "perfection" and asked what I had done to the pot roast.

Cooked it? Followed the recipe? He didn't believe that it literally took ketchup, salt, pepper, and Worcestershire sauce. And water. And a slow cooker. *I love slow cookers...*

So here you go.

Go kill dinner.

You're welcome.

The Boys Clean Up...*badly*

Friday my husband lost his work keys and tore the house apart in order to find them.

Like you do.

And he still hasn't found them.

BUT in the process of "cleaning" (which means he goes through everything and then leaves a mess behind him and moves on), he and Silas went through the toy box and toy area. They made a pile of toys that they wanted to get rid of.

Which is GREAT. Except for the fact that a lot of those toys were Sage's toys and he wouldn't want to get rid of them.

Me: You can't get rid of brother's Baymax mask. Or his Minion goggles. What about this dragon?
Silas: I don't want it anymore.
Me: You played with it last week.
Silas: But I'm older now and I don't want it.

*Eye roll*

So I went through this pile of toys they left in the middle of the living room (thanks guys) and threw out everything that was missing the pieces. I bagged up everything that was still usable and we're going to take them to the Salvation Army today.

Silas and Daddy chose these toys to be donated...

It used to be that I had to do this while the kids slept so that they wouldn't see me run out of the house with the bags and put them in the trunk. Inevitably they would find something I put in the bag that they HAD to keep. Is it possible that now I can do this in the light of day???

Cue Mama Blood Boil - Yes My Son Has Autism

About a week ago I took my two sons to a celebration for a local company. They had a small bounce house, food vendors, arts and crafts, and even a snow cone truck. My sons were in heaven.

But I will tell you as soon as Sage saw the bounce house, it was on. And I had to drag him out an hour later.

Sage is almost 4, and he has Autism. If the diagnosis of Aspergers still existed, he would be diagnosed with that, but it doesn't, so we're "on the spectrum." I say "we're" because if you know a family with a child with Autism, you know it affects the whole family. His social skills are at about the 3-year-old level, and his language skills are getting much better - when he started school in August they were well below the 2-year-old range, and now we can have a conversation (even while it is generally scripted and repetitive).

That morning I really didn't know if going to this celebration was a good idea or a bad idea. Traveling with Sage can be...surprising? That's putting it nicely. I never know what's going to happen - if he's going to have fun and tell me, "I happy Mama!" or if he's going to meltdown and turn whatever get-together we're at into a screaming mess.

So I don't go out. Most weekends we stay home because...I don't know. And you may be thinking, "Well, let him try." And I totally get that. But the aftermath of a Bad Day lasts for days, makes his anxiety shoot through the roof, and sends me looking for Xanax. Or wine. Or both. My husband reacts with frustration to Sage's meltdowns, and I end up trying to mediate and console them both.

Yayyyyyy.

Anyway. That Saturday I had had enough of being in the house, the boys were getting on each others' nerves, and that was getting on my nerves, so we got dressed and went to the park. We parked it for about 30 minutes until Silas (6) told me, "I wish there were more kids. This is no fun." Totally true dude. I get you. We were alone at the park. I decided to head to this celebration and see what happened.

On the way over there I told Silas where we were going and that I was HOPING that Sage would have fun - but he knew the drill if Sage was melting down, hurting himself, or started hitting/lashing out to others. And he does. This has become our reality.

Bounce house. Right.

We get to the celebration, park, say hello to the owners, and the boys are in the bounce house. There are volunteers at all of the stations helping the kids. The woman at the bounce house was good with directing the boys (there was literally 6 boys in the house at once, all jumping into each other in a big pile of boy madness). At one point Sage started coming out and going back in like this was a game.

Sigh.

"That's OK," she told me, "I've worked with adults like him before. It's repetitive."

What you got lady?

Apparently she used to work with adults with developmental delays and disabilities. She said she recognized right away that Sage was different and that he had high functioning Autism. She asked me some questions and then told me

"Don't worry, as an adult he'll be able to live on his own and have a job like at the grocery store. It will be good for him."

I'm sorry, what?

Now, side bar. I have nothing against adults who work at grocery stores, adults with developmental delays, anything like that.

But to tell the parent of any 3-year-old that eventually he will be able to live on his own (I certainly hope so!) and hold down a minimum wage job is like...I don't even know what to compare it to.

Or maybe he can be a physicist.

You're saying at age 3 you can predict that my child, ANY CHILD, will be able to do service work of minimal cognitive effort for a career?

So...I kind of went off on her. "Oh, I certainly hope that he'll be able to go to college and find his dream career, but I doubt it will be at a grocery store. Unless he's managing it. He's very good at keeping everyone on schedule. Do you watch The Big Bang Theory? I imagine him as similar to Sheldon as an adult. And he's what, a physicist?"

Then I went and sat down while Silas went to the art table and Sage kept jumping.

Oh I forgot, you know one kid with a developmental delay, you know them all. And adults too. My bad.

Forget the Tooth Fairy, Mom

Silas has his first loose tooth. This is like a BIG DEAL. Almost all of the kids in his class have lost at least one tooth and he's been asking me about when he will lose his first tooth.

Two days ago he came home and showed me, "OMG MOM. My tooth is LOOSE." And it was. So we're waiting for his first tooth to fall out.

Silas and his first loose tooth!

Silas: Mom, what happens when my tooth falls out?
Me: We put it in this little pillow that Grandma gave us. At night the Tooth Fairy comes and takes your tooth and leaves you money!
Silas: What? That's creepy. Some guy coming in our house without us knowing and taking my tooth? What if I don't want him to take it?
Me: Well... do you want the money?
Silas: No I want to keep my tooth.
Me: So... no tooth fairy pillow?
Silas: No, that's creepy. Don't let the Tooth Fairy know I lost a tooth OK?

OK, so my super cognitive six-year-old has decided that a mythical "dude" (interesting he assumed the Tooth Fairy was a dude) coming into our house and taking his tooth is creepy. Interesting.

So...I get to save money?

Welcome to all of the Flamingos

You've heard the phrase "work/life balance" and probably felt badly about it. Because your "balance" was so out of "balance" and you thought, oh god, what am I doing wrong?

Liz rolls here eyes and shakes her head.

You're not. You're not doing anything wrong. Work/life balance is a lie. It's like...I don't know...being caught up on household chores. You think it can happen, you've heard other people do it...but it lasts for about 5 minutes and then, poof! In a puff of pink smoke, it's gone.

Here's us, trying to be balanced...

So we're chasing this idea of balance that is actually not attainable and feeling bad about it.

STOP THE MADNESS!

Most of us are balancing like the pile of dishes in your cabinet after your oldest child empties the dishwasher. Precariously. About to fall over and COULD make a big crash (and involve the purchase of paper plates instead of ceramic).

Work/life balance is more like work-lif-wor-LIFE-wo-li 

We are constantly switching back and forth, switching "hats," and sometimes, just sometimes, feeling badly that we're doing poorly in one of our roles (sometimes? let's talk about all the mommy guilt and the "mom wars" that go on between for example, working and stay-at-home moms).

So we feel as if we're constantly going, constantly trying to make something better, whatever that something of the minute is, but are you enjoying your something?

Let me make a suggestion - don't go for balance. Go for enjoyment. Enjoy what you are doing "in the now," make every effort to make what you're doing right this minute, whether it's playing Hot Wheels with your kid, working on their homework with them, working to get caught up on work stuff - enjoy it. It's here. It's now. Put the cell phone and computer away. Turn off your notifications. Don't let interruptions, well, interrupt being present with the things you're focusing on.

Be present.

You may realize that there are some things you just can't do. Because you can't do everything. You can't. So here's my strategy: figure out what you want to prioritize and focus on those things. Make a top 5. Those are your foci for now (and it will change of course, week to week sometimes). But then if something comes up that's not on your list, let it go.

If you're a parent, you probably get this reference.

This may sound crazy, because if you're like I was, you want to do everything well. After a stroke at age 30 and two heart attacks at 32, I made some clear decisions - I want to focus on what's important to me. It involved saying "no" to some things that I wanted to do but just couldn't. And it involved changing my focus sometimes. And "giving in" (not up) about others.

Some people would see that as settling. I call it looking out for your damned mental health.

So while you're trying to balance on one leg, look perfectly amazing in your Flamingo-ness, and be a super woman, stop yourself. Focus on Your Five. Let the rest go (at least for now - them dishes ain't gonna do themselves - but could you delegate them to someone else?).

What are Your Five things your focusing on right now? Comment below so other parents can see that they're not crazy.